You Must Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do
by Tabula-rasa33
Summary: Olivia confronts a past she never really forgot. A/O


**This literally jumped out of my head during a science review session. There is something about me and writing during science..... The blackout of the whole county I'm in kind of delayed this posting a bit. Oh well. Enjoy!**

**The title inspired the whole fiasco.**

**I own nothing but the order the words are in.  
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I spent an hour looking at the necklace you gave me for our 6 month anniversary. I spent two pondering the anomaly that is your birthday. Should I celebrate or mourn? I don't know if I should go or stay. It sounds stupid, but her grave is the only place I can be near her. Listen to me, "near her" as if it's a fucking portal to her door or something. Sitting through her funeral was enough for me. As soon as everyone was gone, I cried. I stood in my dress blues and cried like a 5 year old who fell out of a tree. After that day, I haven't been back for 2 years. I feel like after that amount of time, getting flowers for her birthday is idiotic and not even worth it but I quickly slap myself into shape, Alexandra Cabot is worth everything to me.

Getting up from my spot on the couch and putting on clothes is an easy part. Getting the flowers from the corner shop is an easy part. Hopping the subway to the cemetery? Pie. Actually walking into the cemetery? Absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. I stood at the wrought iron gates for about 20 minutes psyching myself out to walk in. Finally after an embarrassing amount of time I get to her grave. The sun is just setting over the hill and the view is morbidly breathtaking. Alex's mother paid great money for her to be in a resting place she would enjoy and boy did she get it. Right on top of a hill underneath a willow tree, a bit off the beaten path, and far enough away from other graves as to not be too creepy. I finally sit down on top of the grave, right on the grass facing your headstone. God only knows what is in your casket, and right now I don't want to find out. All I know is that it's not you, and for that I am grateful.

After taking a deep breath and looking around for any passersby, I decide that I am safe for now and start to creepily talk to "you".

"Alex, I know you obviously cannot hear me right now, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for not visiting, and happy birthday." I start to feel a burning sensation in my eyes and a lump forming in my throat. "I miss you _so much_ it hurts Alex. It took a lot out of me to come here, but it's worth it and this was definitely the right time." I stop and take a deep breath. The burning is getting a little more intense as all of the memories I've been trying to hold back come bubbling to the surface. I remember the first time she stayed over at my apartment. It was after a ridiculously hard case and we both just needed a friend. We ended up bonding over our love of batman movies and peanut butter M&M's so the next day I had a huge bag of them on my desk. The day after there was a note thanking me for my company and a batman mask.

Finally the tears come and I'm brought back to the chilling present. The sun is almost completely set into the horizon and I can unfortunately feel the humidity surrounding me. It's going to rain, perfect. Just as it starts to rain I decide I've had enough. I look at the words on your headstone and shake my head somberly.

_Evil prevails when good men fail to act. _

You were always the white knight for victims, and always optimistic. I loved that about you, that and your boundless passion. _Dare you to love me_. Lilies. Your bright smile and twinkling eyes. It's all too much right now.

The rain begins to fall even harder as I whisper into the darkness. "I did love you Alex, I always will." Setting the lilies down, I feel a presence. I don't know if it's ethereal or real but my skin transforms into gooseflesh in seconds and I shiver. Then the rain stops, randomly and abruptly. Something is off. From my crouching position I look over my shoulder and see black heels. My eyes are drawn upward to a hand holding an umbrella and blonde hair, my breath catches in my throat as I see dark glasses, and I stand to get a better look at a ghost risen from the grave.

"Hello Olivia." She says in a low timbre, and I am once again introduced to Alex Cabot. "It's incredible to see you, but why are you at my gravesite?" she says with a familiar lilt and smirk.

I search her face for a minute more and realize, she's serious. "It's your birthday Alex." Her eyes darken.

"I know. It's great to be able to say that again, you know?" she drops her eyes and then her words hit me like a ton of bricks. _She's back?_

"You're back?!" I ask abruptly after a too-long silence and she smiles and looks up into my eyes.

"For good." Without hesitation I embrace her, umbrella be damned.

"Alex, I love you. I'm sorry I never said it before this, but I want to spend the rest of my life saying it if you'll let me." I whisper into her ear in a rush. I pull back and look into her glassy blue eyes, searching. "Will you let me?"

She nods and my surroundings finally come back into focus with a slight shiver. "Let's get out of here sweetheart, ok?" I suggest and she nods. I pick the lilies off the ground and shake them off lightly before handing them to her. "Happy Birthday Alex." I say before we head down the hill. At the bottom there's a white Lexus SUV parked and waiting. We're buckled in when I realize something and turn to face my companion.

"Why were _you_ at your grave?"

She stops fussing over her seatbelt and takes a deep breath. "I wanted to find myself again. I thought coming to my grave would help me get back in touch with the other Alex Cabot. I used to be fearless, bold, optimistic, and now I'm just… scared." She finishes with a huff, obviously frustrated. It's hard to imagine her as anything other than fearless, but I can tell her years away have taken their toll.

"Alex, just because you aren't the same feisty young thing you were before, doesn't mean you changed. You may be a bit more reserved, and level-headed- but those are good qualities, and I can see your old self just dying to come out. It's all in your eyes sweetheart." I say and smile reassuringly. "Let's go help her get out, shall we? I think I hear Batman calling, and if you're nice I'll even share some of my M&M's."

She looks over happily surprised. "I'll do whatever you say, just share the goods!"

I nod and smile brighter. "Have you been in town long?"

She looks at the road and glances fast in my direction while smirking. "Long enough for Branch to offer a meeting about a bureau chief position starting next Wednesday."

I look over, astounded, and shake my head in amusement. "She's baa-aack…"


End file.
